A Stick

At some point recently, I read that the terribly skinny models in the world were going to be banned. I was totally in a quandary about this for I had always wanted to be rail thin, a stick. I wanted the freedom of never having to wear a bra without seeming pretentious. And I believe that designers who showcase their clothing on the super thin, this is their form of creative expression. I suppose if the fashionable designers wanted to showcase their designs on more robust women, they would do so.

On the other hand, I am not a stick. I have and will always have curves. And the flesh seems even more abundant now that I am looking over the edge of 40. Am I fat? Sometimes I think so. Sometimes not. Good food is a passion and one that I do not wish to give up, though I have tried, but have always been seduced back. Rather, I do yoga. I walk.

One might say I am obsessed with weight and that may well be. I work in a field where the people I photograph are beautiful and are always stressed over food. There is an almost overwhelming joy to having photo sessions catered and watching the anxiety that follows. I say this not in a mean way, for I am among the stressed it would seem - sometimes. But there is joy in knowing that when I put the camera down, I am free to indulge in brisket and shortbread and no one will truly care.

But I care. Recently, I have begun changing my aesthetics. I am not so sure about wanting to be a stick. I have begun to prefer models who have a little more flesh and seem healthy. And I have begun to accept my body for what it is.

A personal project is evolving here. And as I slowly amass ideas, slowly letting a little of it into light each day, it is feeling like a return. This will be an exploration of self (for me) and hopefully a visual feast for you, my viewers. This is an unblocking of creativity, perhaps even a spiritual journey of letting go of past barriers, an exorcism of phantoms that have haunted me.

Soon.